Sunshine toes

The science section of the newspaper is my favorite Sunday edition but I know it also comes with this     part where I'll be inevitably heartbroken. Evidence of a world coming to a close or evolving into something that we couldn't handle eventually. When you have kids I think it's scary to think of their future so much so that it brings me back to wondering can I bring a child into the world we have now?

On days were the weather is perfect and everyone is in peace and good spirits at the schoolhouse I look around at the beautiful things dumb luck has given to me. I am so lucky and grateful. I think god how could we not share these wonderful gifts, I want to share them! So we've taken in some animals but I hope we get a baby. Such a wonderful world right now to bring in that doesn't have one. I keep sending my wishes into the universe and the heavens.

I sent in my resume for a job at a company that I've always wanted to work for. They are so creative and they are close and I've sent them a resume I think twice before since I've moved here. It's been almost two weeks and no calls. I think in the art community especially here, I'm just used to rejection. I get it, you think I'm not good enough for you. The frustrating part is that it's such a small community here why not just send a quick note or something. It's just snobby here kind of like you have to know people or have gone to an overpriced school with them. I just wished it wasn't like that-like why does life have to be like that? Can't there be endless possibilities, new perspectives and new faces? At least can't there be open communication?

I kept thinking today about albino children in Africa being attack and having their limbs cut off because people think they have special powers. Isn't that crazy? I feel so bad for those children and wish they could all just live here. How strange is life? Some people are born on one end and some on the other but could lead totally different lives in relation to quality. How lucky is your soul fated. I just feel stupid sometimes for ever complaining about how horrible things are ever. Things are not horrible in comparison-be grateful

Getting ready to leave

I had something I write about but all I can think about tonight is my grandma. She had pneumonia  a few weeks ago and for a couple of days she just laid in bed not eating or drinking. My aunt went to her house and took her to the hospital. When I saw her yesterday I asked her about it and she said, "oh yea I was sick, just laid there thinking I would get better. Then I just continued laying there thinking I'll just let it take me if it takes me." She was getting kind of teary eyed. My grandma had to say goodbye to a lot of people, she is almost the last one standing. I know she has her bags packed but it still breaks my heart to hear her say those things. We are totally two different angles and one big lonely void. We both miss having a best friend and confidant. I think that is why it's so comforting us being in each other's presence on these summer afternoons just having another person to say nothing really important to.  It's interesting how life works like that? There can be a parallel between two people who are at two completely different points in their life?

Well I've decided to disconnect this summer from social media (except Instagram) and it's been pretty good. It's nice not getting the updates every 5 seconds also nice not reading every news article too. I've been focused on losing the baby weight-the other day I tried on a size 6 shorts and was so excited at how skinny I got that I ate like 4 hotdogs for dinner to celebrate only to revert back to size stretchy pants. It's been a challenge running with baby and dog but I've been enjoying it a lot.

We bought a pop up camper, I'm so excited for trips to new places. No more news on the baby front again. No babies right now up for adoption. I keep putting my wishes out in the universe trusting that everything works out in its own due timing.

Things I'm grateful for today: everything that happened to me today. Esp.ice coffees and a baby who just wanted to run around naked with sunglasses on.

Quick post

Grateful for snuggles-I got a lot of them today! Waistline my time watching Amy Schumer videos when I should have been doing something productive :)

A little Sunshine

Today was a nice day. It was one of those days you dream about as a parent except I had to drop the fun and go to work;) I worked in the yard during Dels long nap and then we went to the garden center  that was on our way to my grandmas house. It's a beautiful small nursery tucked in a frontage road, a locals kind of a spot. The doors are all open, there's a nice summer breeze, people are friendly and there is a big dog passed out happily behind the counter wearing a bandana. I have on one of my favorite summer dresses and del and I are walking around looking for perrineals that I can't kill. I show him the pictures that are buried into each pot that shows the name of the plant and he is excited to go to each pot and look at the picture tag. We go to my grandmas like we've been doing every week and play on their playground, watch del pick up a hundred rocks and show them to us.
There is a big part of me that wishes every day could be exactly like this one-but I know, I know-I wouldn't be so grateful when these days came along like I am.

For a few weeks I've been working on a rumor that it was easier to adopt for a Native American person through their reservation. I have no idea who I heard this from, and after calling and emailing MANY people I was starting to feel like a crazy person. Did I make this up myself? Maybe it's not even a thing. One nice woman said she would pass my name along to a worker from my reservation which I thought was really nice. It had been so long since I started the journey to just get information that I basically just gave up trying or expecting. I've actually been debating internally about just having another baby now-even though I'm just not ready to do that to my body right now. Then today I got an email from my reservation saying they wanted to talk to me about their adoption program! That just sparked this new kind of excitement in me. Maybe there is a baby fated out there for us to give a good life to. It would just be such an honor and a blessing to give another person in the world the gift of life del has, two loving parents, a sweet cat and dog, living in a schoolhouse in the country with a crabby bunny, chickens and a sweet Siamese cat that comes out a night to say hello. I think that about my own life so at times, it's kind of a dream life isn't it? We don't have a ton of friends here and the cold winters suck but beyond that it's really something.

So what does that lesson mean after my rambles? Maybe it is true-putting things out in the universe hoping things will find their way. I realized that the key to that is to put it out and then to forget about it and move on, as when I was in the midst of trying to contact and talk to people I got so many dead ends it was kind of frustrating.

Today you know what I'm grateful for-it's your time to fill in the blank

Freedom!

I'm alone in my house and it's quiet!! I'm enjoying my few minutes of bliss before everyone comes back home.
Things with Del are 50/50 but I googled "my toddler Hates me" and there are a lot of other people in the same boat. It's kind of a hard thing to deal with when you do everything for them, love them, try fun things and there is just nothing you can do, no more you can give. No fixes I guess, just got to let it go. Everytime I see a cute happy baby and their mom shopping or out looking super happy I just want to break down in tears. I think I just need to do me now , go back to working full time and hopefully things will turn around someday.
 Things with Dave and I have been hit or miss too-relationships change so much after a baby.

Things I'm grateful for today-allergy meds, is it weird to say cute clothes, and flowers

Just here I guess

The past few weeks with Del have been kind of tough, we've started to disconnect and now this week he just flat out doesn't care for me. It's been really hard. Today I took a break to just cry in the bathroom while he broke off all the flowers off my begonia plant while I was in there. He doesn't smile anymore when he sees me. He says mama because in his Elmo book he copy's the phrase but he doesn't call me mama. It's weird to type into google my baby hates me. I think the hardest thing is obviously because I love him so much. I'm tearing up just talking about it and I'm at the library now with my PCA client. The librarians must think I'm just the saddest woman ever-I feel like I am often in tears here! Not because solely on my life but I watch movies and stuff here sometimes they get me:) I bet they think I'm crazy!
Parenting was the one job I was looking forward too-and so far as a stay at home mom I hate it. I wish it worked for me but it doesn't. It bums me out but I'm just going to move on. If I can just make it til Del is 2 then we have more affordable preschool options. Until then I just need a project to keep my sanity! I think we are getting a tiny camper but it needs work. Like I'll have to build and paint stuff! I hope it works out, I'm not sure if it will. It would be nice to have something positive to keep my mind off of things!

Old Times

Del and I have started visiting my grandma once a week. It's been really nice and I wish I would have started sooner. She likes to tell me stories of when she was a kid and I love listening to them. This post is dedicated to them-I will try to recollect as many as I can. Like every old person she had the same story about walking 2 miles to school, even in the winter with not very good winter clothes. "So did you run the whole way" I asked-"oh yea, run and walk." Christmases were fun because they would attach the sled to the horses. Her dad would heat up bricks and then put a blanket over them and it would be warm all the way to town but then on the way back really cold. Her mom would always make lefse Christmas Eve. Her dad built them a kids playhouse out of logs that looked like Abraham Lincoln's place-whatever that means. They would go down to the dump (her many brother and sisters) and dig out the old plates and cups and bring them back to their playhouse. Her mom would bring down a big bowl of creamed sweet corn, "oh that was so good" my grandma said as though she was tasting each tiny warm kernel in her mouth. That lead us to talk about vegetables "I don't like peas, I do like them like..." And she trailed off describing all the ways she did like peas which basically boiled down to the fact she liked peas. Her and a few of her siblings would sit by the roadside in the summer and wait for the pea trucks to come by. They would have giant bushes and they would grab peas by the handful. We talked about meat just a little bit, her dad had a smoker and would smoke pigs, then they would hang up in the attic because it was so cold up there and all the kids would take big bites of meat as they walked by, so eventually her dad found a new place for the meat. My grandma grew up in a big house, 9 kids total. All of her siblings dead now except her and one of her sisters. That's the part that breaks my heart. Listening to my grandma talk about how much she misses her family. She was born somewhere in the middle and now practically the last one standing. Out lived even her husband and then her long term boyfriend. For my own selfish reasons I'm glad she is still here. I can't imagine a world without her. I'm grateful for her stories, listening about simpler times and pleasures, imaging the warm buttery lefse she describes it's a shame that lifestyle will die with her. It will just be written about in books and blogs.