A Little Extra Time...

I woke up today to my friend Natalie who told me that she was going to a wake for a friends Dad who suddenly passed away. He had an aneurysm that lead to being in the hospital for a couple of hours and then dying. I've heard of this, people dying suddenly. It breaks my heart almost, I can't even imagine.

Sooner or later I was going to write about my dad that was basically a given. I just didn't think it would come up so soon. I'm going to write about how thank full I am of extra time and later I'll write about how I appreciated my father.

Time goes fast doesn't it? You begin to realize that when you turn 25 and you haven't had a chance to make a dent in the mass amounts of things that you really want to do in life. Sometimes life affords you a little extra time so for a short while things do actually slow down. When Al (my dad) found out he was going to die he was given two months that sprawled out into four months and some change.

The year before my dad had died was really the beginning of his sickness although no one knew it. He started to loose weight rapidly which doctors claimed it on his diabetes. Al was getting old, sick of being an alcoholic and there was a part of me that was certain he wanted to just absorb as much of his family as possible. With family as loving as they are, it's hard to start over. When you've been mean or you haven't been around there is little you can do to clear the slate. So he started off slow as any one would have done. If he had years left it could have been what I suppose anyone would want in for themselves, loving and very great.

I guess I can speak for anyone else by saying that I was weary. Sudden lunch or dinner dates and watching movies. Considering I always wanted a father I was more then willing to try it out and for that short year it was pretty wonderful.

When I found out he was going to die, I was mad all over again at him. He was leaving again, this time for good. I can even feel that same feeling even now. Its so deep that it rises and makes your hands shake.

Those four months could fill a book. All of the Indians spread across the living room and in the kitchen. An abundance of food and fights. I think at first it was hard for my dad to let go which is probably why he lasted four months. When he started out that year to get his family back he had finally got it. He would see them every day for the next four months.

They say you know when your going to die. Apparently there are clues, for example you suddenly see people that have already died. Maybe these people act kind of like guides to bring you where ever it is that you go. That day he talked to his father. The same day he got up once and asked for me. For me I was confused because up until then he was sleeping all the time or in a totally different state. Honestly I thought he had to go to the bathroom. I can never describe this moment because it's hard to put my finger on it. He gave me his usual affectionate look and gave me a hug. I could have wrapped my arms twice around his bony frame. Then he laid back down and fell back into his state of dreaming.

He passed away early that morning. A mixed feeling of being happy and sad.

It's been a very long time since Al died. When a parent dies you will never get over how much you miss them. Even writing this my heart sinks. What will happen is you can look on your experiences in a more mature light. You start to slowly forgive things that was so hard to let go. Your grateful.

Today I am grateful for that little extra time that I had with my father and being able to say good bye because I know that's something that life rarely gives you.