It's late and we are in the kitchen playing Yahtzee. We finally got my dad's medical bed moved into the living room where they set up his I.V's so now we could play Yahtzee as late as we wanted while eating left over fried chicken, candy bars and cola.
"I know what your dad needs" she leans over to me, " Your dad needs a medicine man"
This was dicey. An over weight Indian/German American with flabby tattooed pictures of dice on her upper arms. From what I hear through the grapevine she has what seems to plague all the women in our family, the curse of "Once was beautiful until they got involved with booze, drugs and men, now you can't even recognize them". They walked around with trailing comments of "she was once so beautiful" like a tail attached. I on the other hand always knew her like she is now. Overweight, happy and someone I would never let watch my purse while I went to the bathroom for a second.
"That's what cured me." she takes a puff of her cigarette, " When I was in treatment we had a medicine man come and he cured me of drinking"
"your a liar," I laugh taking my pair of sixes.
"No I'm not carr, " she's wide eyed and excited, " its true, they have a ceremony and then what he did is he took a straw, put it right up to my belly and sucked it out of me. Then he put it in a bowl and clear liquid appeared out of nowhere. I'm telling your carr I've never touched a drop since. That's what Uncle needs"
Of course she doesn't say that instead she uses other recreational drugs to my face but I know. We never got a medicine man. I could never believe how delusional my family was. My dad was never going to be saved. After he passed that was one of my biggest regrets. That I had lost hope so early.
When I was younger I was incredibly fat and I was the girl with the topped cherries of really big rimmed glasses and various bad hair cuts. I would get teased relentlessly and as I'm older I really have forgotten most of the embarrassing stuff. I do remember a conversation that I had with my mom once driving down Mcknight about being teased and how I wanted to look prettier.
My mom said, "Wait till you get older, then you will be a heart breaker."
I rolled my eyes at her and said "yeah...right"
" You'll see Carrie, when you get older I bet you'll get skinny and all those popular girls they will get really fat...it's just what happens"
So while I have no idea what my "popular" girls are doing now from high school, what they look like, etc. I've actually have grown into an attractive person and still it's hard for me to say that.
Lately, my current relationship has been strained due to my insecurities all of which I'm not too sure how to fix and no one (even my friends) have the ante dote. I've realized that after five minutes quick reading sessions from "Oprah" are sadly not going to do it and made the first step into starting to see someone. In my point of view to admit that I'm this vulnerable is very scary and somewhat defeating. I've never done this before. So who knows, I guess this is my first step towards my medicine man. While having done a lot of thinking, I will go with hope this time and see what happens.
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