Big Moon

Today was a tough day. Maybe Del was sick? But didn't especially felt like we were on the same page today. Also I spent like a whole half hour wishing I was other girls on Instagram who were insanely beautiful with amazing hair. By the end of bedtime I gave up, it was official. I took a shower earlier then I usually do and crawled into bed and worked on art-my great escape. Hopefully tomorrow will be better-

Speaking of social media- it's weird I had a point in my life were I was hardly ever on it and now I feel like I'm constantly on it. It sucks! My brother would always say, "every time I post stuff about Collin he gets a hundred likes" it's true, Colin via my brothers updates got almost a hundred likes. While my Del posts only got like 30. I think that's the part of social media that kind of sucks-you think "why wouldn't you like this if you liked me or wanted to be happy for me?" Anyways, it's made me put the halt on Facebook pictures. I don't really want to be reminded how many people avoided my personal pic. It's ok, for whatever reason you don't like me that much but you want to be casual friends on Facebook or another number. Am I just ranting? Good thing it's my blog;)

The other day I was reading old posts from my blog and I said," being pregnant with del has brought out the best in me" that was funny. I haven't been completely sober for such a long time since before I even started doing drugs-maybe 15? I have a few drinks a night to relax but I definitely like a drink a day. So being pregnant was like getting to know the real me in a way. And I learned I'm completely nuts! I must have meant that being pregnant with Del made me more of a loving person but a great person questionable. I actually don't know how Dave even survived living with me. I'm really a type A personality to my surprise-I  had deadlines for things, I made to do lists, I organized every thing in the house. I think people thought I was "nesting" but no I was just being a freak. Stone cold sober me doesn't know how to relax. I hope that I can recognize this in the next pregnancy. Maybe I can make a to do list to not do any to do list;)

Babies can makes the best you come out. In a way they make me wish I could start over. Move the family somewhere and I can just be me. Not the old me that's done a billion things wrong. Not that I don't do anything wrong but maybe you get my drift.

Well during this hard day I will admit I did find solace in food-sorry weight watchers commercials. But good food! Like vegetable pad Thai for lunch and homemade muffins for breakfast. Dave's mom makes these really great heart shaped cookies each year and they came today too! Food was definitely what pulled me through today, along with good music-and oh yea my daily summit;)