The other day I removed myself from my highschool reunion event page on facebook because I was really grossed out by all of the updates and still I get updates about it. It's like it wants to continually haunt me.
I'm going to write a really honest and personal post that I've only shared with a few people (meaning Dave only) is that I've felt really bad about where I am in my life. This is really stupid right? The whole meaning about life is to grasp what you have and live in the moment..I know this but I guess when I think about how old I'm going to be and where I thought/or wanted to be at this age it all gets really scary..kind of, I mean it's not like I'm staying up late at night about this kind of thing.
So I guess to get right down to the bottom of it, I am ready for a family, for a house and for a successful career. I'm only ready for this because I feel that I have found the person that I want all this stuff with and the thing that I'm ready to do forever. So this being said it feels like it will never happen or it would never happen to me and that is that.
Some times I can't stand to be around people that have these things..which is probably the most embarrassing part of this whole confession. We know mutually people who have meet and married right away because they knew they were right for each other, had kids and have working lives that actually make them an income make them happy etc. When I hang out with these couples I feel so behind, so unsuccessful. This is dumb right? I know...maybe now that I write this post things will lighten up personally inside of me and make me feel more at a clarity state.
I'm sure there are other people that feel the same. The urge for all of these things to magically happen to them as it did for their other happily ever after couples but I've yet to meet someone like this. I guess lately I've felt so alone. Like I'm on an island or a very populated one in which I have no one to relate too. They are all just walking around me and I'm here eating all of these bake goods that I set out to conquer each week.
Well That's that. I said it. Maybe things will change and who knows I could be in a totally different place a year from now. Maybe I'll never be married with children and be a travelling writer wandering the world. That would get me out of my shell any how.
I won't leave on a sad, desperate note as I may sound. Today as I was eating my fourth fresh baked cookie of the day when I realized that I am the only one out of my whole immediate family that ever went to college and graduated. That is a huge accomplishment when you think about it. Or think about how well I've "conquered the odds". My dad never finished highschool, my mom started community college but never finished, all of my brothers on my dad's side went to highshool and either live on the reservation, are in jail and I think one of them has a dairy farm. My brother on my moms side finished highschool and has his own restaurant. So I'm not sure if I'm the most successful, thinking about everyone combined. I mean I'm not horribly unsuccessful in comparison but not "your blowing me out of the water" crazy successful. I'm not even sure if I even really learned anything in college to tell you the truth besides how to pay my loan bill each month. I can say that I'm the healthiest one in the family by far and I'm not sure if that relates to higher education...probably not. But being the first scholar and the healthiest one of the whole immediate family well...those outlooks are not too bad. The possibilities are endless :)
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