Backwards Heart

Well over the weekend I turned 30. I wasn't really sure what celebrating my 30th birthday would aspire too but I spent the whole night dancing and drinking. It was wonderful.
When you hit this age it kind of bubbles in your throat. It does for everyone who knows you. Just the thought that you've hit that number means so many things to different people, for example they feel old, or like they will be old very soon since their number is lingering, dangling over their head slowly about to crush them with the idea of what kind of life they should be living. That is just the thing..so your 30, what kind of life should you be living?
Its hard to describe what I want for the future, since like the beginning of most artists painting a picture it always turn out differently then what you expected. Something is a little off, like for example you might be a cleaning lady for the rest of your life (hopefully not me) instead of opening your own store, moving to a warmer climate or adopting lots of kiddos (maybe me). I even too, imagined what I would do to bring in my 3oth birthday. I was sure that I would go Ice Fishing but no ice, then I was sure that I would go up north but we stayed behind in the city and threw a fun party and dance to soul music something I really never did quite see coming. What I can say now, is that the future is for dreaming and just plain ole hoping for the best. With that being said, it has taken me a long time to figure out that life is not REALLY about what others are doing but its about what you want to do for you, which has taking me so long to be okay with.

When I take a gander at all the memories of my twenties I think wow I did some cool shit, met cool people and had the chance to love some amazing human beings. What I wish I could tell my younger self is to just have fun. So much of my younger self was built on trying to find who I was, worrying about being married to someone and having children that it ruined a lot of great things that could have happened to me. I guess I wish I would have spent more of my time having fun, then being scared and hurting people that I loved. And also being more loving but like a tree we all grow and bloom into something better then what we were before. All of these things that I wish I would have done were learning experiences and have made me into me today.

Its weird, I started this blog so long ago. When I started it I was really depressed and needed something to write in about the good things that I loved as reminders to make me feel happy again. Now I just keep writing in hopes to share it with my kiddos someday to maybe teach them something. But who knows if I will have kids, and maybe I'll just have my new nephew to give it to. Speaking of him, my brother and his wife recently found out that his major arteries, aorta and the pulmonary are switched. I guess its something that is pretty common and he will be fine after surgery. He sounds already like he is going to be such an interesting kid. I wonder if running backwards will feel good to him or if he will really like Kriss Kross?