Cry Babies

I've had my mind on babies a lot lately I think because of everyone around me having babies, and of course the most important baby in my life at the moment my new nephew little Steve. He is the most amazing baby ever, he did just survive two open heart surgeries! When you see him, he looks so strong and sweet. Like he is going to be the sweetest pea to ever exist. I'm not to the point of having babies quite yet, while I can feel it coming around the bend. So why am I thinking so much about babies again?
Well, strangely enough because I have a smart phone now. It turns out I'm very good at keeping up with news and current events if I have a little device that I can peek at while waiting in line at the grocery store or the few seconds I have in between shifts. To no surprise, I hate it. I hate reading the news for the same reason as always, its almost all the time depressing. With killings, rapes, and other weird and horrible mistreatment's its so heartbreaking to read. I think of little Steve sitting in his hospital crib, peacefully and sweet and I think that these people were once a little Steve. So innocent and beautiful. Are they still deep inside? At what point in their lives did they make a wrong turn? what made them so violent? Its just so sad and you wonder if they are still in there. If I yell "hello" in their ear will an echo appear?

I had this dream lately, I'm in the middle of the ocean in the thrust of a terrible storm. I'm in the frame of a model T ford with wooden oars. I'm rowing as fast as I can which keeps me a float. I can't stop rowing because I start sinking again. I just have to keep rowing to stay afloat.

I was thinking of this dream the other day as I was watching the water swirl and sink in a toilet I was cleaning. I'm a cleaning lady, a pca, a seamstress on the weekends, a designer on nights I feel like, all for what? So I have money to eat out, so I can pay my now expensive phone bill, school bills, credit card bills, apartment bills, car bills. This is not where I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't mind all of the bills, but I can't live this life anymore. I'm burnt out of the city, my life, my social obligations. So instead of stressing out I thought about owning a shop in the country, somewhere close but still at a distance. Having a house with a little plot set up like a farm. Being bare foot all of the summer, living with my plants, biking to work. Not have to do anything unless I want to. It sounds wonderful doesn't it? I have to get here, hopefully I will or at least I hope I can some how find peace where I am now. We don't always get what we want out of life, this I know and have experience with for sure :)

The countdown to our wedding is in full swing. Two weeks and some days left. One of our other friends recently got married over the past weekend and posted pictures online. It was the only time since I picked out my 15.00 dress at the thrift store that I became suddenly self conscious of it. Hers was silky and beaded, fitted and pin tucks with elegance. Mine is just plain which is the main reason why I bought it. Its the most simple thing I own next to a plain tshirt. I guess it just symbolized how I want to be represented and my motto for our next leg or journey in life: Simple and Beautiful.