Something out of Nothing

So much has happened since my last post....I'm not even sure where to start. Summer is in full swing and once again I feel like I'm barely touching the ground. Its as though bits of me are everywhere and even the gravity of my core can't bring them back. We are moving soon. Hopefully to our new house that we are still waiting to close on. I can't even bring myself to talk about that process but anyways yea I'm about to hopefully live in something that I don't share with 50 other people. Its funny, I mean you grow up in a house and when your a kid and you really take it for granted. When you get older you can't wait for the feeling of opening up your own windows, feeling the endless blanket of grass underneath your feet, driving up to park in your own driveway, planting and eating, cutting your hair outside in your nightgown, stringing lights up above your chairs and building a fire. Your mind wanders. Hanging out your sheets to dry, watching them create a sea of waves, eating fruit from bushes, having chickens, not hearing the city, laying on your own bed in your own room that will always be yours. I know not all of these things pertain to you but some do and if you live in an apartment like myself remember these things? I think the biggest smile will be the feeling of soft grass and wanting to run around like crazy, man that is the best feeling. ever.

In Love Again is over and now I'm officially only a mediocre cleaning lady and PCA. There is something better a coming, something that hasn't hit the radar yet but swirling around in the Pacific with plastic bags and debris waiting to escape into the atmosphere and build rage to hit my life full force. Until then I'm just packing one box by one box and living in a badly built castle of labled cardboard. While I was packing I found an old To Do list. I LOVE making To Do lists and often find them scattered about. I mostly throw them away before I look at them because I don't want to get down on myself about the numerous To Dos I never got around to. Sometimes they are funny and really outlandish, mostly from when I was younger like "I want to be the first woman in the NBA" and "Win my first Oscar by the time Im 25". Yesterday I found a really old list from just out of highschool, I think a little after my father died. I know because I was really looking into WWOOF with a friend of mine. Here is what I wrote:
Thinking About the Future
*I would like to start my own business making clothes, I would like to start this in Seattle
* Volunteer for a while overseas on an organic farm, work and see the country
Must read books get myself prepared.

Then it continues on to days of the week. This list for me was a lottery ticket because I as a grown up had actually accomplished something on that list that I could go back in time and tell little Carrie that yes, You did actually start making your own clothes! and you sold them in shops and people loved them. It made me feel pretty good about myself. I have never had that feeling of accomplishment such as finishing something on one of my crazy lists. So I kept it, packed it nice and neat as a reminder of greatness. Even if it was for a short while anyways.

Life has been pretty good. Steve is surely still anchored in the brain. Its hard to look at other babies, or see families with babies. I think about my family and Steve a lot. I heard his song the other day and bursted out in tears. It gets better, every day. Always be an organ donor.

Today I've been so grateful for a/c, paper bags ( as I know they will someday break down and not get stuck in a sea turtles stomach and kill s/he), and COFFEE.