Hula Hooping to Success

About a year or so we began talking about moving, at first contemplating it then once winter hit we were dead certain then summer came and it went back on the ,"yes definitely probably someday soon." The past month I pushed it up to the "hey let's move this summer" deadline. Well a lot has happened in over a month! We were planning to have another baby right away to "get it out of the way" my husband likes to call it and then the cancer talk seeped in. I have to go in for another test but so far things look great and I probably don't have anything to worry about(phew). The whole time I kept thinking about the obvious little time we have and how I want to be in a new place-where I can be rejuvenated and also honestly I want to try a place that doesn't get below zero in the winter. I've never lived in a place like that before-be in a place that was green and I could go hiking without a coat and layers on would be kind on my soul. 

We love our friends and the little family we have (my mom) but other then that we have nothing to keep us here besides our insecurities and the hardest hurdle of them all-my mom. Dave is insecure for the practical reasons, it's a big step, what about jobs, we have a kid and insurance. Dave is our rock, while I'm the dreamer and motivater he is the big picture guy. Lately I've had shaky footing this year and I can say with certainty that I'm not at my most confident. When I'm talking about moving and motivating us it's like I have my eyes shut and I'm jumping in the pool. I think the thing that hangs me up is that my mom has always instilled in me that I need her and she has always kind of steered me away from dreams. For example there was this casting call downtown in the city and I wanted to try out. That was my big dream when I was a kid to be an actress-I had visions of me accepting oscars. (I still do) so I got dressed up, grabbed a glamor shot photo of myself and was ready to go. I was really fat at the time and I remember my mom saying," you don't really want to do this do you, what if you get made fun of?" I insisted I wanted to go and sat in the car waiting for her. She acted like her car didn't work so we never went. She was trying to protect me but maybe they were looking for a chubby girl model or actress for diversity!;) 

I guess another example was college next. I was really passionate about fashion design in high school and had applied to this school in London. I filled out my application and got letters of recommendation from teachers who wrote these passionate letters about who I was and then when I went to send out my forms my mom stopped me to say, "your not going to be able to go there. It's too much money. It's over abroad what if something happened to you. ....." And I never sent in my application. 

There's other examples-I could go on but you get my point, she has in some way passively directed it. The funny thing is that when I was younger I finally did leave and lived in another state for a bit and in that short moment-what feels like the wink of an eye-my life turned upside down, I screwed up and  came home and wallowed at her house for months listening to the same Gillian welch album. So I'm timid. I don't want to screw up this time-I want us and myself to be successful. It's been an interesting ride of encouragement and self doubt.

This week I learned to Hula Hoop. It's actually the one thing I've always admired other people doing but have never been able to do. It's the smallest thing but it makes me feel really great. Like I can figure things out. Tonight I learned a new song on the guitar. I'm beginning to see myself as more than just a flighty artist these days, I'm beginning to see I've got more potential-like being a hula hooping master!

Today I am grateful for the times I can sit down and share an apple with my son, we sit and take turns chomping away. He hugs and gives kisses now-which is the best thing ever.