Just here I guess

The past few weeks with Del have been kind of tough, we've started to disconnect and now this week he just flat out doesn't care for me. It's been really hard. Today I took a break to just cry in the bathroom while he broke off all the flowers off my begonia plant while I was in there. He doesn't smile anymore when he sees me. He says mama because in his Elmo book he copy's the phrase but he doesn't call me mama. It's weird to type into google my baby hates me. I think the hardest thing is obviously because I love him so much. I'm tearing up just talking about it and I'm at the library now with my PCA client. The librarians must think I'm just the saddest woman ever-I feel like I am often in tears here! Not because solely on my life but I watch movies and stuff here sometimes they get me:) I bet they think I'm crazy!
Parenting was the one job I was looking forward too-and so far as a stay at home mom I hate it. I wish it worked for me but it doesn't. It bums me out but I'm just going to move on. If I can just make it til Del is 2 then we have more affordable preschool options. Until then I just need a project to keep my sanity! I think we are getting a tiny camper but it needs work. Like I'll have to build and paint stuff! I hope it works out, I'm not sure if it will. It would be nice to have something positive to keep my mind off of things!