We're gonna make it yet to the end of the row

Last night I had a sad dream. I dreamt about baby Steve, that he was still alive and still waiting for a heart. In my dream he was about 1 like he would be now. I entered his room to see him and he was sitting up, chubby, looked back at me to reveal his chubby smiling face. I was so sad until I saw him, I remember being so happy to see him, cuddling up to him touching his tiny fat little legs and feet. He was the happiest baby I've ever seen.

I remember having a dream this vivid after my dad had died. The dream started with all my relatives getting ready to throw a big surprise birthday party. I remember I kept asking "who's birthday is it? Who's the surprise party for?" No one answered me until my aunt Sue whipped me around and said, "its for your dad" I was so confused, I remember saying to myself, my dad...hes really still here? and before I knew it everyone yelled surprise and there he was. I was so happy, and ran up to him yelling "DAD!" and he looked at me smiling at me.

Stevie's dream didn't get to me right away. It took around 1pm in the afternoon for me to go down like a sinking ship. I cried like a maniac, trying to clean while my tears and dust filled face created a gross paste on my cheeks. You always think "boy would I like to see them again" or yearn to hold, to hear their voice again. Such vivid dreams like that, where you get the experience for just a second is so wonderful, but so heartbreaking. Bringing back all the deep missin. Life is hard with that stuff. I have no easy way around it. Its just something to put out there.

So while I was feeling pretty blue I met up with an old friend who lives in the same city I do to have dinner and go shopping. We went to different antique stores in the little town that I share trying to find cute vintage dresses. My friend Larke found a vintage see through red nightie that had red feathers all over it. She brought it to the counter where an old lady was ringing her up and she continued to tell her that it was a baby making, maybe get married type of nightie and that she would come back in if any of those things ever happened. I laughed and could feel my checks turn bright red. Larke has a way of embarrassing me as when we were at dinner she told the Bartender that she couldn't eat the pork tacos anymore before she went out dancing because they made her have to go poop the entire night. We talked about old times, all the crazy things that has happened between us. I laughed so hard, I felt like I hadn't laughed like that in months, and it felt SO GOOD.

My night vision is getting worse, almost old lady status. Tonight I drove home thinking I was going home and ended up facing a snowy corn field. I have big nerdy new glasses now to boot so I can only imagine what I looked like driving around country fields close to my window shields. I eventually found my way home though :)