3 months

Delano is going to be 3 months old on Thursday. He's so big yet it's only been three months, it's hard to believe.  Things change so much, I can already tell the first year is going to be a whirlwind. It's hard keeping up, maintaining energy and sanity sometimes but you won't want it any other way. You'll go back to work only to realize you still wish you were home, the other day I was away for almost a whole day dong things I would do by myself, go to the store, go shopping, get a haircut only to realize that at the end of the day I was lonely and couldn't wait to get back to bottles and baby noises.

I never expected how much I would love being a mom or have a family of my own. I guess I never let myself fantasize that far. It IS the best feeling, I couldn't even compare it to something to give you an idea. I love my life so much I'm terrified of it for I was cultivated in an environment when life got good, something bad was around the corner. I grew up knowing that people died, babies died, no one is around forever. I can tell you I'm almost always up in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling hoping for one more day of my wonderful life. Give me as many days as you can. I make sure to kiss people when I leave the house. I make sure to say breath a sigh of relief in the morning when I wake up to the sun pouring in the windows and my loves.

It's exhausting to live like this at times. It feels like it takes all the dumb idealistic optimism all out of you. You say to yourself, you can't live in fear. You say, it's no way to live if you can't enjoy what you have"

So that is what is bubbling up inside of me, the deep carbonated waters that bubble over sometimes.